Meaning of Life or Life of Meaning

My musings about life and what it all means for this mom, worker, wife, woman, human. What it's like to live with a tantrum-throwing toddler, a self-employed husband, work, housework, and the life or death of my own dreams. Maybe we all can get some free therapy out of it all.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Does realism allow for faith?

Yesterday we bought a new Pooh kite and took dd to the park. Flying a kite is so relaxing. My dd loved it and ran all over the place holding the kite string. It was a nice moment, one of those that you really live for - not anything significant, just pure joy in the moment.

My dh and I decided to play the board game Risk. We have had it for a while, and never really played it. It is pretty complicated.

I read this on someone' s profile: " My name is so-and-so and I am married to my best friend." For some reason that stuck out in my mind as interesting. It's nice. He wanted to announce it first thing. Best friends should be supportive of each other and have common interests. Things get so complicated with sex, kids, careers, goals, and dreams. Sometimes one's spouse becomes a babysitter and someone to help with the chores. Of course, these are needed, but how does one stay friends with a spouse over time? It is hard. Have you ever had a meal with your dh or wife and it is just too quiet? There sometimes is just nothing to say.

I have decided to be supportive of my dh for the rest of this year as far as his work is concerned. Secretly ( or maybe not so secretly) I really believe his business is going to fail. But maybe my support of him is more important then my oppinion of what is going to happen.
Yesterday he said, "You know that I am trying my best, don't you?" I had to say no, that I did not know that.

I pride myself in being a realist. To me, that means the glass is neither half full or half empty, but that the glass with a 500 ml capacity currently contains 250 ml of liquid. However, realism is not always met with happiness by others. So, I will keep what I believe is the truth to myself, and be supportive of his dream, even if it makes me give up some of my own. I have some other dreams, anyway. I don't need all of them. However, I do want to keep this realtionship.
Does realism allow for faith in God, my husband, myself? I honestly don't know, but I am going to find out. *Jaden

Friday, February 18, 2005

Here's my crappy last 12 hours

Here's my crappy last 12 hours:
1. I am still sick with this sinus thing, getting worse, if anything.
2. I broke my glasses.
3. The pipes in the house are getting clogged again and flooded the garage and laundry.
4. Oh, and by the way, my husband told me he took out another loan for his business, for $25,000 without consulting me. I asked him If I need to take a second full time job and just send our dd to live with her grandparents, so that I can start paying off this loan, too. He wasn't amused and neither was I .

Am I liable for all this? I don't see how he can keep getting all these loans without me having to sign anything! He is going to blow through this money in a few months and I am going to spend the next 20 years paying it off. I will leave before my finances are totally ruined. He admits that he does this stuff without consulting me because he knows I will be against it. That sounds like a good relationship, doesn't it?

It 's not fair! All I do is everything in this family. How can he do this to me? I feel so powerless. He just keeps piling on debt and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. His so-called business is ruining our relationship, not to mention our credit. He doesn't seem to care. It appears that he will give everything up, including me, to have his business. Is a year of unprofitable business enough? What is reasonable?

This may be the lowest point in our marriage and he really doesn't seem to care. We had agreed that he would consult me before getting into any more debt. I guess that was just a lie.

I don't know if I have ever been more sad and disappointed in my life.

Now I will call the plumber and spend $100 on unclogging the pipes instead of buying new glasses.

This sucks. *Jaden

Wednesday, February 16, 2005


Hi! I worked all weekend and it was super busy. I have had a sinus bug or allergies lately and all that work made it worse, but mostly just when I get up in the morning....

For Valentine's Day, My dh got me some candy, bath salts for sore muscles, and built an extra shelf in a closet by the kitchen. I have been asking for the shelf for 5 years, so it was a nice surprise. I gave him candy and a nice dinner. I can't believe he made that shelf! I had given up long ago and was trying to figure out how to do it myself. I think he's trying to kiss up a little lately, because he knows I have been stressed out.

I still don't know about my new job schedule situation. I haven't seen my boss much lately to check in. These things take time to work out, and I don't want to be a nag.*Jaden

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Seems Like Things Will Work Out

My boss said she wanted to find a way for me to work full time. I told her the hours that would work best for me and she seemed open to it. Seems like things will work out.

Today I need to clean my dd's closet; it is out of control.

For Lent, I am going to spend more time with no background noise. I hate quiet and always have t.v. or radio or the c.d. player on. It doesn't let me think. I also want to really listen to others. Third I want to spend a quiet time everyday reading, praying, thinking. It is so easy to skip this when I am busy.

I want to thank those that have been praying for me. It helps. *Jaden

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

I Just Feel a Bit Empowered Right Now.

I am considering switching to a full time position at work. One girl got fired for not showing up (or does that mean she quit?) . Anyway, I have got the great idea to incorporate part of her job into mine; basically switching her full time hours for my half time hours. I would work 2- 12 hour shifts instead of 2- 4 hour shifts during during the week and continue my every other weekend 12's. I would like to do it 11 a .m. to 1130 p.m. for the weekday shifts and keep my 830 a.m. to 9 p.m. on the weekend.

I tried to talk to my dh about it last night, but he was really stressed out about his business and really didn't want to talk. I forced the issue a bit, because I want to act fast to get what I want before they hire someone else. He basically said try it, if I want to.

I really don't want to . I would rather stick with my part-time schedule. But heck, what good am I if I am stressed out and broke all the time.? Honestly, I have a bit of sore throat today. I know it's from stress. My dh just won't look at reality. Reality such as the house, car, and health insurance payments pretty much take my whole salary. I like to enjoy other luxuries like food, heat, and an occassional pair of new shoes and support socks so my feet and legs don't kill me at work.

I have to do what I can to take care of myself, financially and otherwise. I think myself, "what would I do if I was a single mom?" I definately would not be goofing around like this. I would take a full time job. I can still spend a lot of time with my dd. I have been looking into part-time preschools for the fall, anyway. She is not a baby anymore, she love kids. I still want to spend a lot of time with her, but she doesn't need me quite as much.

I have been just sitting around waiting for my dh to make it all better, but he can't do it right now. He tries hard and I love him, but he can't provide for us financially right now, and I can. He is willing to be a little flexible and pick up our dd from preschool, adjust his schedule a bit, etc.
Since he's self employed, that should offer him some freedom and flexibility. I think we can do this. I have got to be the one to fix it.

I just realized that he has always been the big dreamer and I have been the practical one. This is not bad. Because of his dreams, we ended up together when I thought it was impossible to overcome some giant obstacles. This is just another big dream and maybe he can make it work, too. It is a good match really. I keep his feet on the ground, and he keeps me looking up at all the possibilities. I like the dependability of a set schedule and a dependable income. He likes to break ground and reach for that brass ring.This is really a breakthrough for me . Part of the reason I was attracted to him in the first place was that he could show me new ideas and pull me away ( a bit) from the predictable, boring world I see. I can't expect him to change from that man.

I just feel a bit empowered right now. I think I can work it all out, that is if my boss o.k.'s my schedule change. I think she will. She is renovating the schedule with some new ideas and might be up to it. Face it, I am an asset to any shift ;) I think I can work it out with my dd, so she can go to preschool while I am working some of the time. My dh will have to be flexible.

I have been toying with the thought that I may not want another child. This one may be enough. Really, I feel I would be doing it for her to have a companion when we are all gone. I have a small family and my husband's family lives too far away for her to be close to anyone. My sister is not having any kids, and my brother is only 21 and may not have any for a while, if at all. I figure he'll end up moving far away. He needs indenpendence.I am getting the feeling my dh may secretly not want another child, either. I am going to look long and hard at this issue.

Wow, I really typed your ear off today! Har,Har! ( I never said my jokes were great!) *Jaden

Monday, February 07, 2005


I was trying to figure out how to add my blogroll to the sidebar. I could never get that to happen, even if I added my copied code to the template. Any advice? Thanks*Jaden

"A Stay At Home Mom That Works"

It's Monday again. The party on Saturday was o.k. My husband circulated with all the business guys and I made chit-chat with a few ladies and took care of my dd. On Sunday, I actually went to a movie with a friend. It was Aviator, about Howard Hughes. It was decent, I liked the period costumes the best. I was really proud to take three hours for myself. Guess what? The world didn't end while I was in the theater.
Sunday night, my dh and I went to this fancy superbowl party with all these business guys. (We got free tickets) . The food was good. I passed the time people watching. The young businessmen were standing around the poker table like vultures watching the rich old guys play. It was as if they were waiting for them to die so that they could take their places at the table and in the business world. ( Of course, my dh was right there.)

Watching all the ladies with their husbands, I wondered, "Do these men yell at their wives when they leave cookie crumbs in the bed, too?" They probably yell about a lot of other stuff, too. What did these women give up for their security? I especially wondered about the 40 something blonde in the red dress. What does she really love about this graying 60 something in the wheelchair? What does she give up of herself to be with him? I would love to be a fly on the wall at their house ( but not in their bedroom!).

I realize I would never give up the security of my job. I would feel to powerless. I can't feel confident that anyone would take care of me. However, I wish I didn't have to pick up so many extra hours. I am scheduled for half time and that is really enough. I think 8 hours extra a week could get us by if we cut out a few more "non-essencials" at home. I realize it is up to me to do it. However, I want to meet once a month with my dh so he can see where we are financially. Maybe this will help motivate him more to bring in some money to the household. However, I am not going to count on it. If I want to stop worrying about money, I have to do something. He's a pleasant guy, but not a knight who is going to save me. At least not financially, not right now.

On a brighter note I bought my special coffee and tea! Both were on sale! I take it as a sign I am doing what I should. I actually brewed a pot of coffee and drank a whole cup before it got cold. This can be a daily reminder to find time to take care of me.

My husband called me," a stay at home mom that works." The weird thing is, that is exactly how I see myself! (SAHM's don't freak out, I know all to well that you work, too) I try to work odd hours so my dd spends less time at the babysitter's house. I try to do it all at home, baking the cookies, playing games, going to play groups, and pack my dh's lunch and keep the house in order. All this while working enough to support this household and advancing up the career ladder at work, too. I love the stress of it all. I hate the stress of it all. I have to figure this out! *Jaden

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Is It All In My Head?

Tonight I am going to this birthday party for a friend of my dh. He's got this one group of friends that is ok, but not really my cup of tea, really. A lot of them are very materialistic and I think they are a bad influence. I just go to the obligatory party when I have to. This one will be at a restaurant, so at least the food will be good. I am taking my dd, so I will have a reason to leave early when she gets cranky! I am not a party person, really. More on the party tomorrow.

I read this on another blog today:
Personal limitations exist only in our idea of who we are. Give up all notions of who you are and your limitations will vanish.

t sounds nice. However, I will still have this 31 year old female body, scars inside and out, my obligations to my job and family, and my financial situation. Some things aren't that easiy to change. I do like the jist of it. Some of my limitations are in my head. I will chew on that for a while.
Some blogs are so exciting. People have great, exciting lives. I am stuck here trying to find the cheapest diaper that doesn't leak, getting the dishes done, keeping a spark going with by dh and managing my average job. People have hobbies. Maybe they don't have toddlers.

My resolution for February is to be kind to myself. This next week my goal is to find some coffee and tea that I really like and spend time every day drinking a whole cup without getting distracted. I am just like my mom; I can never finish a cup of coffee without finding something that needs done right now. I have to put my needs first, sometimes. Even if they are this small. It is a start. *Jaden

Gender question

I have a real question. Why do most men I know not feel that housework is their responsibility? This is not meant to be male bashing, but I am just trying to figure it out. Of all my friends, coworkers, and relatives, I know not one man (husband) that will take any innitiative at home. They all do virtually nothing unless forced to by screams, tears, or ultimatums. Then they quickly settle back into their laziness, or apathy, or whatever it is.
Women can now have the freedom to have a career and still do all the housework and childcare. What freedom?! Men really figured out how to get the best of all worlds. They get all the things that the extra income can buy and still sit on their assess and be served dinner and get sex.
This is really what I see in every relationship that I am privy to. Women are killing themselves to do it all and their loving husbands just turn a blind eye and watch t.v. The women get tired of trying to get their mates to do their fair share and just do it all and are angry and disappointed inside.
I would love any insights to this issue. *Jaden

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Under the Surface

It's weird how I feel sorry for myself and then feel guilty because others have it worse. How can I feel bad because I have an average house, clothes, and job when others have no food, clothes, or shelter. I still do. Maybe it's the materialistic world we live in. So many advertisements everywhere. I still feel inadequate when I go to the kids' play area at the mall and there are other moms dressed nicer than I am. It makes me feel as if I am in junior high again. How can I get over it?
I also realize I won't be able to give my dd a lot of great stuff. She won't be deprived, but she won't have the "coolest" stuff, since I won't be able to afford it. I can barely afford a pass to the pool. I won't be able to afford a house with a pool. I feel inadequate some how. And sad.
The truth is I do blame my husband for losing his job 1 1/2 years ago. I feel like he was lazy and really didn't want that job ( which he didn't) and let himself get fired. He then searched for five months and couldn't even get an interview. Then he started his own business, sunk everything into it and we have been broke for almost a year. Actually, broke would be a big step up!
He promised I could stay home with dd, but didn't pull through. Now I am supporting us, doing all the house work, most of the childcare, paying all the bills, running all the errands, everything. I really feel that he has a 60 hour per week hobby. I am trying not to be resentful. It is so hard to be positive. I know things don't always work out the way I plan, but how do I accept a situation when it disappoints me and I can't really change it?
I had wanted to have another child by now, but I can't afford it. I missed a lot of work with my first pregnancy, and I can't afford to now. Plus we have poorer health insurance and I want to be able to stay home a lot with a new baby. I didn't want my kids to be so far apart.
I guess I am saying that I am angry with my husband for screwing up my plans. It sounds selfish, doesn't it? I just have to admit it to myself. I am angry and disappointed. I love him a lot, but there is always that anger and disappointment hiding just under the surface. I don't want it to be there, but it is.
You scored as Anarchism. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'>

















What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
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You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”
“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”
--Jean-Paul Sartre

“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”
--Blaise Pascal

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Strong Egoism


Justice (Fairness)






Divine Command




What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
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You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.



















Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
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You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.

Unipolar Depression


Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder




Eating Disorders


Borderline Personality Disorder


Antisocial Personality Disorder


Which mental disorder do you have?
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