Meaning of Life or Life of Meaning

My musings about life and what it all means for this mom, worker, wife, woman, human. What it's like to live with a tantrum-throwing toddler, a self-employed husband, work, housework, and the life or death of my own dreams. Maybe we all can get some free therapy out of it all.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Things to do besides housework

I have got to find a way to get and keep this house clean. Having a two year old tearing through the house doesn't help. Somehow I am going to find the housework answer. I actually have other things I would like to do with my time!
Things to do besides housework:
1. Take a walk
2. plant my garden
3. play soccer with my daughter
4. blog
5. read
6. take a bath
7. learn a new language
8. scrapbook
9.take up yoga
10. nap

Many t.v. shows make me sick. The Bachelor is one of them. Last night all these girls were running around all giddy getting ready to meet a guy they don't know a thing about. Why are they so in need of a man? They all looked beautiful and seemed intelligent. I mean, men are nice, but there are plenty to go around. We are complete without one, right ladies? I guess they really are in a hurry to have someone else's diry underwear to pick up and put in the hamper.

I talked to dh about the loan to the friend. I told him I felt betrayed and that it was not responsible, given our money situation. He agreed, of course, and appologized. I told him if he was going to do it anyway, I would have preferred to know about it. We don't have to agree on everything. However, this did put us in a bind. Whatever.

My goal is to spend more time playing with my dd undistracted by t.v. housework, etc.
Got to go. *Jaden

Monday, March 28, 2005

Are women second class citizens?

Easter was good. I had a vacation day from work. DD got lots of candy, legos, and a plush bunny in her Easter basket. We went to chuch, ate at Golden Corral, dyed and hid eggs with my parents and rested. It was as good as could be expected.

This week I should get interviewed for my new job (department restructuring, remember?) I think I have a good chance of getting it. I just want to know. I am not patient.

So I am having issues with my dh. I am not sure if he knows it yet. I was trying to plan a day that we could do some much needed repairs to our neglected house. He actually said, "Why don't we sell it and get a new one?" Great plan, Stan. We will buy a new house every five years because we are too lazy to repair the deck or fix the gutters. I wll consider it.

I am extremely angry and disappointed over a money issue. A lazy friend asked to borrow some money from dh. I told him we didn't have it to loan right now because some bills will be taken directly from the account in a few days and we barely had enough to cover them. I would consider giving the loan on the 1st, when I got paid. He said ok. He immediately secretly wrote the guy a check.WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ABOUT??!!! There are so many issues here! Money management, for one. You can't loan money that you don't have. And how about respect and trust of one's spouse???!!!We are going to have a talk when he gets home.

I am so tired . Life is such a struggle. It is hard to live with a man that will not deal with any problem. His line is,"It will work out." Yes, it will work out, but you have to deal with problems. You can't make stupid decisions all the time. You can't ignore the obvious. He says my problem is that I am results oriented. How is that a problem? I missed that part of the lecture.

I also did not know that trying to have a conversation with my dh about things that need done, bills that need paid, schedules that need scheduling was considered nagging. I thought that this stuff was called communicating with my dh about the things that we will do together to have a life.I also don't consider me doing it all as a viable option. He does.

I will admit it; I am a fixer. I tried to fix my parents problems, I try to fix everything, and not confront the person who is acting inappropriate. I am really working on it . Now I am no longer a kid with no real power. I am a grown up and can make my own decisions.
However, I can't make my dh give up his failing business or even make him stop taking out loans. I can't make him do dishes or fix the gutters. I don't know if I should just give up on any hope of him participating in this marriage in the ways I need and want him to.

Is it worth it to him to ruin our relationship over some housework? I guess it is. I have tried and tried. Why is he not interested in taking care of anything? I can't understand it.

This mornng he said that his pants need ironed. I told him to iron them if they needed ironed. I wash all the clothes and fold them all and put them all away. He has let a basket of laundry sit for a week and would never think to fold it. He should be ironing my clothes if I wash and fold them all. Does a penis prevent him from ironing or other house work? I cannot figure this out.
My sister had the same problems. She was ill, but still cooked dinner. She asked her dh to do the dishes and she went to bed. He left the dishes and played video games for 4 hours. When he came to bed, she asked him if he did the dishes. He said no and asked if she wanted him to stay up until 2 am to do them when he had to be at work early the next morning. How immature!

Are women still some kind of second class citizens and I missed the memo?! Please let me know. *Jaden

Friday, March 18, 2005

Change, it is a'comin'.

I don't have much time to post. My dd and I are going to spend the weekend at my sister's house two hours away. Here is the recent stuff:
Guess what? My department is being restructured. All I know for sure is that my job as I know it is going to be gone. Good news- I might get my dream job. Bad news, I might not. I needed some excitement in my life, anyway. Suddenly, my husband not picking up his dirty socks is not such a big deal anymore.

I have been applying to part-time preschools for my dd. You have to apply six months in advance, you know. We checked some out and she wants to start now. She has been playing preschool with her dolls and stuffed animals, giving them all snacks and coloring books with crayons. She is the teacher, of course.

I have lots to talk about, but have to pack and leave for a fun weekend in the next 45 minutes! Have a good weekend, everyone! I will blog again soon! *Jaden

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

This ridiculous mess

My dh had decided to work more hours. I guess that 10 hours a day, 6 days a week is not enough. Personally, I know that 24 hours a day won't be enough to keep this thing alive. I just keep my mouth shut and bide my time until the end of the year. There is nothing I can do about it, anyway. There is no reason to get upset, or even vocalize an oppinion, since my oppinion is not considered in his decisions.

I am just trying to ignore everything about his business and go about my life, doing just about everything for all of us. That keeps me busy enough.

I did tell him that since I am planning to go back to work full time, he could quit the business and take his time finding a new (real) job. I was planting a seed in his mind. I know it is what is going to happen anyway. Him being at home would be so much better then this ridiculous mess. *Jaden

My new loves

Here are some things I came across recently that I love:

1. Hidden Valley Ranch reduced fat ranch dressing. H.V. has perfected ranch dressing and this light version is just as rich and good as the original, with less calories and half the fat.

2. The counter-top grill (Gorge Foreman made them famous). Someone gave me one and it sat in a closet for months.... now that I have tried it, I use it almost every day. It grills chicken, burgers, and fish fast and deliciously. It also cleans up easily. It is so great to see all that fat in the drip pan and not on my hips.

3. I bought a great new poncho on sale. It is so soft and warm and great looking. O.k., I saw the one Martha Stewart was wearing when she got out of jail ( a fellow inmate made it for her) and I immediately wanted one. I think Martha will make a big comeback.

Why do I love these things. They are easy to use and make me feel great. Why do I keep things that don't make me happy? I want to pare down to just the things that I love . I have gotten rid of so many clothes and I still only like (and wear) about1/4 of what I have. I buy a lot of stuff on sale, but is it worth even a sale price if I don't love it and it just takes up space in my closet?

On to a lighter topic..... The circus was a decent diversion. Once I realized that it was a small-time circus and not a giant big top production, I was fine. My dd had a good time. She liked the little performing monkeys the best. My parents went with us and it was a nice time.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

It is basically a fear

I haven't blogged for ages. I figured out that I really feel the need to write when I have something to complain about, especially if I am feeling vicitmized. That is really sad. Why don't I feel compelled to write if I am happy?

This is my sixth day off from work. Sometimes my schedule works out like that. Tonight we are going to the circus! That will be fun.

I started a gratitude journal. I usually forget to write in it, but it makes me think about what is really important to me: health, family, financial security, nature. I am working through Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It has an essay every day about simplifying one's life, finding one's authenic self, etc. I love it. I have had it for years, but was really drawn to bring it out of the bookshelf recently.

I got a phone message that my dd is 3rd in line in the waiting list at the part- time preschool for the fall. I could kick myself for forgetting to send in the registration a little earlier. But what does it really matter? If she doesn't go there, she will do something else and it will all be fine.

I have been having these stupid panick attacks again lately. It is basically a fear of being dead. That is, being dead and that's the end. I get all nervous and I can do the breathing exercises and distraction techniques and it helps, but it is still there in the back of my mind.

I have only been having this problem for a couple of years , and while reading on the internet, I came across the idea that it might be related to post-tramatic stress related to when I was pregnant. I had hyperemesis during my pregnancy . For me, this meant that I vomited 2-3 times a day, couldn't eat or drink and missed 3 months of work and was in the hospital for rehydration a few times. I had the feeling that I wasn't getting all the care I needed and just might die.
Obviously, I lived, but I have never been exactly the same. I think about the experience several times a week . Since I am planning on expanding my family, I do some research to be educated on hyperemesis in case it happens again. I am scared of it, to be honest. I think it made me realize that I am mortal. Having a child does that, too.

I pride myself in being well balanced and sane. This bugs me. It's making it hard to enjoy the great moments of life with my family. When something nice happens, I think, "This is nice, but soon we will all be dead." I know, this is morbid. I hate it. *Jaden
 
You scored as Anarchism. <'Imunimaginative's Deviantart Page'>

Anarchism

75%

Democrat

67%

Socialist

50%

Fascism

50%

Green

50%

Nazi

33%

Republican

25%

Communism

17%

What Political Party Do Your Beliefs Put You In?
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You scored as Existentialism. Your life is guided by the concept of Existentialism: You choose the meaning and purpose of your life.

“Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.”
“It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.”
--Jean-Paul Sartre

“It is man's natural sickness to believe that he possesses the Truth.”
--Blaise Pascal

More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...

Existentialism

90%

Utilitarianism

80%

Hedonism

80%

Strong Egoism

75%

Justice (Fairness)

50%

Kantianism

50%

Nihilism

45%

Divine Command

35%

Apathy

30%

What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
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You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof). Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

agnosticism

96%

Satanism

71%

Paganism

67%

Christianity

58%

Islam

54%

Hinduism

54%

Buddhism

54%

atheism

50%

Judaism

38%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
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You scored as Unipolar Depression. Congraulations! You are depressed! You know just how it feels to bear all the world's burdens, and the value of a 19-hour night's sleep. And you really hate that circle-guy thing on your Zoloft pill packets.

Unipolar Depression

50%

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder

42%

Schizophrenia

42%

Eating Disorders

8%

Borderline Personality Disorder

8%

Antisocial Personality Disorder

0%

Which mental disorder do you have?
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