Meaning of Life or Life of Meaning

zofran and insurance

2006-06-02T12:10:00.000-05:00

Yes, I am nauseated most of the time. I take my b6 and unisom. It helps but not enough, I really started throwing up and then I got on Zofran, which is a life-saver. I am still not great, but I might want to live until tomorrow and can eat a bit.

Now I am trying to make sure the insurance will approve a refill. (It's extremely expensive, so they have to have my doctor fill out some paperwork.) Nobody knows anything. I wait on hold 11 minutes at the doctor's office so that they can take my number and the nurse can call back some time later. The pharmacy says it hasn't been approved yet. I have got to get this medicine. What bull shit that the insurance is questioning the doctor about her perscription. Who knows better what I need, the doctor or the insurance company! I am going to call the insurance company. It is Friday and I can't go all weekend without my meds. Yes, I called on Wednesday, to check with the doctor and her nurse said it was on the doctor's desk. What crap I have to go through just to be able to drink some sprite without throwing up. I am trying to avoid hyperemesis here, without any help from anybody( except my husband who is trying hard to help, bless his heart.) *Jaden

Starting to get morning sickness!

2006-05-23T22:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I am definately feeling nauseated off and on all day. Hopefully the doctor can give me some meds tomorrow before it gets too bad. It is my first prenatal appointment. I am very afraid I will be sick with hyperemesis again! * Jaden

BFP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-10T09:50:00.000-05:00

This morning I got a BFP (Big Fat Positive) on my home pregnancy test! Yeah! We had been trying for three months. I am glad, but apprehensive. (Probable very common, I would suspect.) With my dd, I threw up about 200 times (literally) and missed about 3 months of work. I have never been so sick. Hey, every pregnancy is different, right? I hope to find a good doctor, I have been looking on the local hospital site to find one.. I want a woman this time. My short-term goal-to remain hydrated.

How will I find time for a pregnancy and another baby????? I guess we make time for things that are important.
More later!

Busy

2006-04-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

Dear blog,
Hi. I have been incredibly busy with no end in sight. I wish there was more time in the day! ! 15 people are coming to my house this Saturday for a birthday party for my husband. That means nonstop housecleaning until then. Exhaustion is my friend! No other news. *Jaden*

Doing the baby dance

2006-02-23T14:30:00.000-06:00

Guess what! We are trying to conceive our second child! We just finally decided to go for it. I will keep you updated on everything.

Otherwise, I am as busy as usual, working hard at work and at home, trying to find the trick to managing it all!
Jaden

Parent-teacher conference

2006-01-27T16:28:00.000-06:00

Well..... Today was my first parent-teacher conference! My dd's preschool teacher said she is doing great! She is a great girl. She could hardly believe that she has tantrums at home, because she is so easygoing at school. (People could say the same about me!!)

Things are o.k. but not great. My dh started on some antidepressants to see what happens. I am finally getting used to being so busy and maybe starting to figure out a plan for my home/family/ career. ***Jaden

getting in the groove

2005-10-05T17:11:00.000-05:00

Hi! Well, I got out of the habit of writing, but I am back! My dd started preschool 2 mornings a week and she likes it. It's a co-op, so we have to help out sometimes in class.
My dh has arranged to work at home sometimes on the webpage for their business and some of the paperwork. This has been a great stress reliever for me. We've saved lots on babysitting and he actually did a few things around the house. He also mentioned teaching a class, which he has done in the past. That would really help with the money situation and maybe his self esteem We will see what happens.

This month on Flylady.com she suggests to spend 15 minutes a day organizes paper clutter. I am totally going to try it because paper clutter is my biggest downfall in the homecare stuff. *Jaden

Ramblings

2005-08-03T10:59:00.000-05:00

Today I have got to clean my office! I am terrible with organizing papers! The rest of the upstairs is looking good.

My dd has a temp today. The nurse at the clinic says it is probably a virus and I agree. She has no other symptoms. I think I have a touch of the virus, too. I feel a little ill.

I am trying to cut back on t.v.,but it is hard. It seems that I am addicted to background noise.

Not much going on today, just trying to get caught up before I work 12 hour shifts the next 2 days. *Jaden

surprise prescription

2005-07-29T17:46:00.000-05:00

I went to my doctor yesterday for a yearly physical. The usual, tap on the knees, check cholesterol, etc. I am not sure what triggered it, but he recommended that I consider an anti-depressant. He is a very intuitive doctor. He was asking me about anxiety and other things. I am considering it. The ironic thing is, I thought my dh needed something for his issues and he didn't get anything when he got his physical, and I ended up with the prescription!

So here I am staring at a perscription for celexa to help with stress, anxiety, and certain thoughts. I don't know if I will try it or not.

I cannot decide when to have another baby. My dd need a sibling and has been asking for a little sister. I am not sure if I can handle another round of hyperemesis.

*Jaden

Life Sucks

2005-07-22T07:17:00.000-05:00

I cried last night. It was the first time in ages. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted from work. My dd was asleep when I left and asleep when I returned home. When she is awake when I go to work, she screams, "Mommy don't go! Stay with me!" while clinging to my legs. Is this the good life?

My dh is not bringing any money home from his business. He admitted the amount of debt he has accumulated. It is astounding. His partner told him to take a few days off, he looked burned out. My dh is probably depressed, too. I see my retirement, my dd college education, the nice middle class life going down the drain. Face it, my dh cannot keep a job or make any money. I am wondering if he has ADD or some mental problem like that.

I am glad I got this new position because at least it pays (some of) the bills. There is no need to expect my dh to contribute anything.

My mortage is a month late and I can barely afford food after all the other bills. How do people survive? Why isn't one salary, that of a college educated person, enough to live on? This is not right. Something is wrong with this society. To afford kids, on has to work so much and miss out on so much of their childhood.

I have to go to work now. Please send thoughts and prayers for my life. Thanks*Jaden

Busy Life

2005-06-21T17:07:00.000-05:00

I am tired, too tired to be depressed! Yeah! I worked a 12 and a 16 hour shift this weekend. I am trying to get used to my new schedule. I just can't yet figured it all out yet. The "me time" is basically gone. Maybe that is the fifteen minutes before I fall asleep watching Leno at night.

I think I have the Super Mom syndrome. I know that if I plan enough, get motivated enough I can work full time take time with my dd and be a great wife and homemaker. God, I am crazy. My dh has stepped up to help, that's good. He made a great dinner the other day and moved the lawn and fixed the swingset. He is exhausted, too.

I don't think his business will make it through to summer. So, it's good I took this job, so we have some money! I told him it would be fine for him to stay home for a while, but I don't think he is modern enough to deal with that yet. I would like it, actually. It would take some pressure off me. We will see what hapens.

My dd loves to fish! My dad and she love to fish together and it is sweet to see them together.

*An aquaintance I know is not the person I thought she was, and it is sad.*

I need to find a purpose (or two) for my life. Right now I am just trying to make it through the day and to the next paycheck. *Jaden*

Mom politics

2005-06-01T21:39:00.000-05:00

DD and I went to a playdate with moms and kids from her playschool that she will start this fall. It was fine. The weird thing is trying to navigate the working moms/ SAHMs. You know, the usual stuff. I actually ended up talking with one sahm about her husband's job! In my defense we are in the same field and I was interested in his advanced degree, etc. Later I wondered if the sahm was offended. oh, well. I am unsure of asking women where they work, or if they work (I know, there is lots of work at home.) I just don't want to offend anyone, but this is normal ice breaker conversation. There is just not that much to say about diapers and dishes, we all do that. Any ideas?

Hi to Annonymous! Thanks for the comment. We have a lot of the same feelings. I hope to here from you again.

I am already falling a little behind in the housecleaning/ errands department. My dh has been helping some on his new day off.

My garden is growing. The sunflowers are growing each day, maybe 8 inches tall now. The rabbits only got to one of them. now I cover them with pots at night. The green beens are growing, too. The strawberries are delicious.

I am tired all the time. I guess I have to get used to it.

I have 2 more days off.. Yeah!

Bye!! *Jaden

Work new stuff and weekend stuff

2005-05-27T23:32:00.000-05:00

Wow! I worked yesterday and today. Left the house at 815am and returned 945pm. Long days! Yesterday my dd was asleep when I left and when I got home, too. SIGH! She had a great time with my dh, so that was good.Today she was at the babysitters' with her little friends and had a good time.

Work is going well, learning some new stuff. I will actually get to interview and hire people. Cool! Sooooo busy both days. It is usually like that though. I actually like it a little crazy.

Tomorrow dd and I are visiting my sister and hopefully going to the zoo. My dd is crazy about seeing a giraffe lately. I hope we see one! I am off work all weekend! Yeah!

I have to make a budget including my new salary and benefits stuff. I want to join back up at the gym, too. That's my one splurge. They charge $1 for 2 hours childcare while you work out or soak in the hot tub! What a deal for my sanity.

Have a happy weekend. *Jaden

I'm Back!

2005-05-25T13:21:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I haven't posted in ages! Here is what's going on. I got the new position at my work! It is basically 3 12 hour shifts a week, (2 days in the week and every other weekend) plus meetings. I am glad, but I am trying not to freak out about how we will manage everything ( I have been working 20 hours per week before this). I start this week. It is pretty much similar to what I do now, but just more of it and with more responsibility. My dh is going to cut back his workweek by one day and stay with dd on that day. That will be a great relief and help to balance it all.

My dd will be 3 soon! She wants a cake with lots of flowers on it and cherries, too. I don't know where she came up with the cherries.

My garden is about all put in:Sunflowers, tomatoes, herbs, zuchinni, watermelons, strawberries, onions, etc. My dd is a great help.

Our neighbors gave us their old swingset. They were getting one of those fabulous wooden ones. This one still has a few years left in it. Cool!

My meeting yesterday was cancelled, but a new one is scheduled for today.

I will try to keep writing more often. *Jaden

What am I supposed to be doing?

2005-04-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

HI! I know, I haven't blogged in ages. I just didn't have much to say. Lately I have just been trying to keep the house clean and manage work and everything. It has been going pretty good.
For some reason my dh has been really extra nice lately. He's been helping with the dishes every night and fixing some stuff around the house.

My dd is doing fine. She will be 3 years old in 5 weeks! She's turning into a great girl.

I think I am a little bored with life. I really notice how things repeat over and over. Work on these days, vacuum on these days, go to the library on this day, etc. It's like I am a robot following a computer program. I don't know what I am really looking for.

I have been following Leanne Elly's book "Saving Dinner." It has menus and grocery lists and is healthy. It helps take the guesswork out of dinner.

I feel tired. It must be the constant rainy weather.

What am I supposed to be doing? Each day is slipping by. Is this life? *Jaden

No Title

2005-04-11T18:21:00.000-05:00

Hi! So, last Thursday I went to the book group at my church. It was so nice to sit with a group of intelligent, active women and talk. Honestly, we talked more about the current state of women's lives and "rights" then directly about the book. Wow! I didn't really know that there were others with views close to mine. I had never known any, anyway.
My dh is always afraid I will run away and join some women's lib commune, I think. I think powerful women are often looked at as dangerous by men.
We decided not to have the big birthday bash for dh this year, just not a good time. A little family thing will have to do.
I have been getting along amazinly well with my mom lately. She has been well and I think I am more able to relate to her now that I am raising a daughter. I was the same age when I had my dd as she was when she had me.

Last night we woke up to my dd yelling from her room. She had vomited all over herself and her bed. It was all in her hair, too! Yuck! I gave her a bath and we put her in our bed, with some towels at the ready. She vomited 3 or 4 more times in the night. I think it was maybe some bad food, but I don't know what. She is ok now. I had to wash a lot of towels and sheets. That kind of thing really makes me appreciate having a generally heathy child.

There are no "shoulds"

2005-04-03T15:25:00.000-05:00

Happy April! This month is Cherish My Spouse Month and Make a Written Schedule Month. If I can do these two things, I will be impressed with myself! For this week I will not say anything critical to my dh. Second, I will schedule times to exercise.

I had my job interview. It was ok, but not exactly the questions I had planned for, but I could handle it. I think things will be final this week sometime.

I want to start on my garden. I want to make working in the garden an act of peace and relaxation, not just work. Face it, I do not have to grow a garden, so I can do only what I want to do in this area, not what I should. There are no "shoulds."

In two weeks is my dh's big birthday party with all his friends. I wil not be stressed. I will plan. I will not be the party planning hag from hell. I can do this. He can help me. I will start today. It will be o.k. It is fine to buy appetizers from Sam's Club. I do not have to repaint the bathroom. Whatever I do will be fine. It will be good enough. (This is my new mantra.)

Less than 2 months is swimsuit season. I do not want to go out like this. What will I do about it? 1.Keep a food diary. Will I do this for more than 1 meal?
2. Plan some exercise.
3. Eat 2 fruits and 2 vegetables per day
4. Save sweets for once per day, a small serving

Sounds nice. It is a start.

I think that planning is what really causes things to get done. I am working on that. Plan my work, exercise, dates with dh, playdates for dd, time for me.

I have been tired out lately and can't quite get over this cold. Maybe vitamins and less stress will help.
I haven't been keeping my paper gratitude journal, So I am going to try writing one thing I am greatful for with each post. Today: I am greatful that I can read and enjoy reading. I just read The Handmaid's Tale for a book group and I loved it. It is about what might happen if extreme conservative"christians" took over the U.S. Very much like 1984, with big brother type stuff, etc.You should check it out. I read it in 2 days. *Jaden

Things to do besides housework

2005-03-29T10:07:00.000-06:00

I have got to find a way to get and keep this house clean. Having a two year old tearing through the house doesn't help. Somehow I am going to find the housework answer. I actually have other things I would like to do with my time!
Things to do besides housework:
1. Take a walk
2. plant my garden
3. play soccer with my daughter
4. blog
5. read
6. take a bath
7. learn a new language
8. scrapbook
9.take up yoga
10. nap

Many t.v. shows make me sick. The Bachelor is one of them. Last night all these girls were running around all giddy getting ready to meet a guy they don't know a thing about. Why are they so in need of a man? They all looked beautiful and seemed intelligent. I mean, men are nice, but there are plenty to go around. We are complete without one, right ladies? I guess they really are in a hurry to have someone else's diry underwear to pick up and put in the hamper.

I talked to dh about the loan to the friend. I told him I felt betrayed and that it was not responsible, given our money situation. He agreed, of course, and appologized. I told him if he was going to do it anyway, I would have preferred to know about it. We don't have to agree on everything. However, this did put us in a bind. Whatever.

My goal is to spend more time playing with my dd undistracted by t.v. housework, etc.
Got to go. *Jaden

Are women second class citizens?

2005-03-28T17:09:00.000-06:00

Easter was good. I had a vacation day from work. DD got lots of candy, legos, and a plush bunny in her Easter basket. We went to chuch, ate at Golden Corral, dyed and hid eggs with my parents and rested. It was as good as could be expected.

This week I should get interviewed for my new job (department restructuring, remember?) I think I have a good chance of getting it. I just want to know. I am not patient.

So I am having issues with my dh. I am not sure if he knows it yet. I was trying to plan a day that we could do some much needed repairs to our neglected house. He actually said, "Why don't we sell it and get a new one?" Great plan, Stan. We will buy a new house every five years because we are too lazy to repair the deck or fix the gutters. I wll consider it.

I am extremely angry and disappointed over a money issue. A lazy friend asked to borrow some money from dh. I told him we didn't have it to loan right now because some bills will be taken directly from the account in a few days and we barely had enough to cover them. I would consider giving the loan on the 1st, when I got paid. He said ok. He immediately secretly wrote the guy a check.WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ABOUT??!!! There are so many issues here! Money management, for one. You can't loan money that you don't have. And how about respect and trust of one's spouse???!!!We are going to have a talk when he gets home.

I am so tired . Life is such a struggle. It is hard to live with a man that will not deal with any problem. His line is,"It will work out." Yes, it will work out, but you have to deal with problems. You can't make stupid decisions all the time. You can't ignore the obvious. He says my problem is that I am results oriented. How is that a problem? I missed that part of the lecture.

I also did not know that trying to have a conversation with my dh about things that need done, bills that need paid, schedules that need scheduling was considered nagging. I thought that this stuff was called communicating with my dh about the things that we will do together to have a life.I also don't consider me doing it all as a viable option. He does.

I will admit it; I am a fixer. I tried to fix my parents problems, I try to fix everything, and not confront the person who is acting inappropriate. I am really working on it . Now I am no longer a kid with no real power. I am a grown up and can make my own decisions.
However, I can't make my dh give up his failing business or even make him stop taking out loans. I can't make him do dishes or fix the gutters. I don't know if I should just give up on any hope of him participating in this marriage in the ways I need and want him to.

Is it worth it to him to ruin our relationship over some housework? I guess it is. I have tried and tried. Why is he not interested in taking care of anything? I can't understand it.

This mornng he said that his pants need ironed. I told him to iron them if they needed ironed. I wash all the clothes and fold them all and put them all away. He has let a basket of laundry sit for a week and would never think to fold it. He should be ironing my clothes if I wash and fold them all. Does a penis prevent him from ironing or other house work? I cannot figure this out.
My sister had the same problems. She was ill, but still cooked dinner. She asked her dh to do the dishes and she went to bed. He left the dishes and played video games for 4 hours. When he came to bed, she asked him if he did the dishes. He said no and asked if she wanted him to stay up until 2 am to do them when he had to be at work early the next morning. How immature!

Are women still some kind of second class citizens and I missed the memo?! Please let me know. *Jaden

Change, it is a'comin'.

2005-03-18T12:03:00.000-06:00

I don't have much time to post. My dd and I are going to spend the weekend at my sister's house two hours away. Here is the recent stuff:
Guess what? My department is being restructured. All I know for sure is that my job as I know it is going to be gone. Good news- I might get my dream job. Bad news, I might not. I needed some excitement in my life, anyway. Suddenly, my husband not picking up his dirty socks is not such a big deal anymore.

I have been applying to part-time preschools for my dd. You have to apply six months in advance, you know. We checked some out and she wants to start now. She has been playing preschool with her dolls and stuffed animals, giving them all snacks and coloring books with crayons. She is the teacher, of course.

I have lots to talk about, but have to pack and leave for a fun weekend in the next 45 minutes! Have a good weekend, everyone! I will blog again soon! *Jaden

This ridiculous mess

2005-03-09T10:52:00.000-06:00

My dh had decided to work more hours. I guess that 10 hours a day, 6 days a week is not enough. Personally, I know that 24 hours a day won't be enough to keep this thing alive. I just keep my mouth shut and bide my time until the end of the year. There is nothing I can do about it, anyway. There is no reason to get upset, or even vocalize an oppinion, since my oppinion is not considered in his decisions.

I am just trying to ignore everything about his business and go about my life, doing just about everything for all of us. That keeps me busy enough.

I did tell him that since I am planning to go back to work full time, he could quit the business and take his time finding a new (real) job. I was planting a seed in his mind. I know it is what is going to happen anyway. Him being at home would be so much better then this ridiculous mess. *Jaden

My new loves

2005-03-09T10:33:00.000-06:00

Here are some things I came across recently that I love:

1. Hidden Valley Ranch reduced fat ranch dressing. H.V. has perfected ranch dressing and this light version is just as rich and good as the original, with less calories and half the fat.

2. The counter-top grill (Gorge Foreman made them famous). Someone gave me one and it sat in a closet for months.... now that I have tried it, I use it almost every day. It grills chicken, burgers, and fish fast and deliciously. It also cleans up easily. It is so great to see all that fat in the drip pan and not on my hips.

3. I bought a great new poncho on sale. It is so soft and warm and great looking. O.k., I saw the one Martha Stewart was wearing when she got out of jail ( a fellow inmate made it for her) and I immediately wanted one. I think Martha will make a big comeback.

Why do I love these things. They are easy to use and make me feel great. Why do I keep things that don't make me happy? I want to pare down to just the things that I love . I have gotten rid of so many clothes and I still only like (and wear) about1/4 of what I have. I buy a lot of stuff on sale, but is it worth even a sale price if I don't love it and it just takes up space in my closet?

On to a lighter topic..... The circus was a decent diversion. Once I realized that it was a small-time circus and not a giant big top production, I was fine. My dd had a good time. She liked the little performing monkeys the best. My parents went with us and it was a nice time.

It is basically a fear

2005-03-08T11:19:00.000-06:00

I haven't blogged for ages. I figured out that I really feel the need to write when I have something to complain about, especially if I am feeling vicitmized. That is really sad. Why don't I feel compelled to write if I am happy?

This is my sixth day off from work. Sometimes my schedule works out like that. Tonight we are going to the circus! That will be fun.

I started a gratitude journal. I usually forget to write in it, but it makes me think about what is really important to me: health, family, financial security, nature. I am working through Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach. It has an essay every day about simplifying one's life, finding one's authenic self, etc. I love it. I have had it for years, but was really drawn to bring it out of the bookshelf recently.

I got a phone message that my dd is 3rd in line in the waiting list at the part- time preschool for the fall. I could kick myself for forgetting to send in the registration a little earlier. But what does it really matter? If she doesn't go there, she will do something else and it will all be fine.

I have been having these stupid panick attacks again lately. It is basically a fear of being dead. That is, being dead and that's the end. I get all nervous and I can do the breathing exercises and distraction techniques and it helps, but it is still there in the back of my mind.

I have only been having this problem for a couple of years , and while reading on the internet, I came across the idea that it might be related to post-tramatic stress related to when I was pregnant. I had hyperemesis during my pregnancy . For me, this meant that I vomited 2-3 times a day, couldn't eat or drink and missed 3 months of work and was in the hospital for rehydration a few times. I had the feeling that I wasn't getting all the care I needed and just might die.
Obviously, I lived, but I have never been exactly the same. I think about the experience several times a week . Since I am planning on expanding my family, I do some research to be educated on hyperemesis in case it happens again. I am scared of it, to be honest. I think it made me realize that I am mortal. Having a child does that, too.

I pride myself in being well balanced and sane. This bugs me. It's making it hard to enjoy the great moments of life with my family. When something nice happens, I think, "This is nice, but soon we will all be dead." I know, this is morbid. I hate it. *Jaden

Does realism allow for faith?

2005-02-21T13:01:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we bought a new Pooh kite and took dd to the park. Flying a kite is so relaxing. My dd loved it and ran all over the place holding the kite string. It was a nice moment, one of those that you really live for - not anything significant, just pure joy in the moment.

My dh and I decided to play the board game Risk. We have had it for a while, and never really played it. It is pretty complicated.

I read this on someone' s profile: " My name is so-and-so and I am married to my best friend." For some reason that stuck out in my mind as interesting. It's nice. He wanted to announce it first thing. Best friends should be supportive of each other and have common interests. Things get so complicated with sex, kids, careers, goals, and dreams. Sometimes one's spouse becomes a babysitter and someone to help with the chores. Of course, these are needed, but how does one stay friends with a spouse over time? It is hard. Have you ever had a meal with your dh or wife and it is just too quiet? There sometimes is just nothing to say.

I have decided to be supportive of my dh for the rest of this year as far as his work is concerned. Secretly ( or maybe not so secretly) I really believe his business is going to fail. But maybe my support of him is more important then my oppinion of what is going to happen.
Yesterday he said, "You know that I am trying my best, don't you?" I had to say no, that I did not know that.

I pride myself in being a realist. To me, that means the glass is neither half full or half empty, but that the glass with a 500 ml capacity currently contains 250 ml of liquid. However, realism is not always met with happiness by others. So, I will keep what I believe is the truth to myself, and be supportive of his dream, even if it makes me give up some of my own. I have some other dreams, anyway. I don't need all of them. However, I do want to keep this realtionship.
Does realism allow for faith in God, my husband, myself? I honestly don't know, but I am going to find out. *Jaden

Here's my crappy last 12 hours

2005-02-18T08:46:00.000-06:00

Here's my crappy last 12 hours:
1. I am still sick with this sinus thing, getting worse, if anything.
2. I broke my glasses.
3. The pipes in the house are getting clogged again and flooded the garage and laundry.
4. Oh, and by the way, my husband told me he took out another loan for his business, for $25,000 without consulting me. I asked him If I need to take a second full time job and just send our dd to live with her grandparents, so that I can start paying off this loan, too. He wasn't amused and neither was I .

Am I liable for all this? I don't see how he can keep getting all these loans without me having to sign anything! He is going to blow through this money in a few months and I am going to spend the next 20 years paying it off. I will leave before my finances are totally ruined. He admits that he does this stuff without consulting me because he knows I will be against it. That sounds like a good relationship, doesn't it?

It 's not fair! All I do is everything in this family. How can he do this to me? I feel so powerless. He just keeps piling on debt and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. His so-called business is ruining our relationship, not to mention our credit. He doesn't seem to care. It appears that he will give everything up, including me, to have his business. Is a year of unprofitable business enough? What is reasonable?

This may be the lowest point in our marriage and he really doesn't seem to care. We had agreed that he would consult me before getting into any more debt. I guess that was just a lie.

I don't know if I have ever been more sad and disappointed in my life.

Now I will call the plumber and spend $100 on unclogging the pipes instead of buying new glasses.

This sucks. *Jaden

stuff

2005-02-16T12:45:00.000-06:00

Hi! I worked all weekend and it was super busy. I have had a sinus bug or allergies lately and all that work made it worse, but mostly just when I get up in the morning....

For Valentine's Day, My dh got me some candy, bath salts for sore muscles, and built an extra shelf in a closet by the kitchen. I have been asking for the shelf for 5 years, so it was a nice surprise. I gave him candy and a nice dinner. I can't believe he made that shelf! I had given up long ago and was trying to figure out how to do it myself. I think he's trying to kiss up a little lately, because he knows I have been stressed out.

I still don't know about my new job schedule situation. I haven't seen my boss much lately to check in. These things take time to work out, and I don't want to be a nag.*Jaden

Seems Like Things Will Work Out

2005-02-10T11:25:00.000-06:00

My boss said she wanted to find a way for me to work full time. I told her the hours that would work best for me and she seemed open to it. Seems like things will work out.

Today I need to clean my dd's closet; it is out of control.

For Lent, I am going to spend more time with no background noise. I hate quiet and always have t.v. or radio or the c.d. player on. It doesn't let me think. I also want to really listen to others. Third I want to spend a quiet time everyday reading, praying, thinking. It is so easy to skip this when I am busy.

I want to thank those that have been praying for me. It helps. *Jaden

I Just Feel a Bit Empowered Right Now.

2005-02-08T08:58:00.000-06:00

I am considering switching to a full time position at work. One girl got fired for not showing up (or does that mean she quit?) . Anyway, I have got the great idea to incorporate part of her job into mine; basically switching her full time hours for my half time hours. I would work 2- 12 hour shifts instead of 2- 4 hour shifts during during the week and continue my every other weekend 12's. I would like to do it 11 a .m. to 1130 p.m. for the weekday shifts and keep my 830 a.m. to 9 p.m. on the weekend.

I tried to talk to my dh about it last night, but he was really stressed out about his business and really didn't want to talk. I forced the issue a bit, because I want to act fast to get what I want before they hire someone else. He basically said try it, if I want to.

I really don't want to . I would rather stick with my part-time schedule. But heck, what good am I if I am stressed out and broke all the time.? Honestly, I have a bit of sore throat today. I know it's from stress. My dh just won't look at reality. Reality such as the house, car, and health insurance payments pretty much take my whole salary. I like to enjoy other luxuries like food, heat, and an occassional pair of new shoes and support socks so my feet and legs don't kill me at work.

I have to do what I can to take care of myself, financially and otherwise. I think myself, "what would I do if I was a single mom?" I definately would not be goofing around like this. I would take a full time job. I can still spend a lot of time with my dd. I have been looking into part-time preschools for the fall, anyway. She is not a baby anymore, she love kids. I still want to spend a lot of time with her, but she doesn't need me quite as much.

I have been just sitting around waiting for my dh to make it all better, but he can't do it right now. He tries hard and I love him, but he can't provide for us financially right now, and I can. He is willing to be a little flexible and pick up our dd from preschool, adjust his schedule a bit, etc.
Since he's self employed, that should offer him some freedom and flexibility. I think we can do this. I have got to be the one to fix it.

I just realized that he has always been the big dreamer and I have been the practical one. This is not bad. Because of his dreams, we ended up together when I thought it was impossible to overcome some giant obstacles. This is just another big dream and maybe he can make it work, too. It is a good match really. I keep his feet on the ground, and he keeps me looking up at all the possibilities. I like the dependability of a set schedule and a dependable income. He likes to break ground and reach for that brass ring.This is really a breakthrough for me . Part of the reason I was attracted to him in the first place was that he could show me new ideas and pull me away ( a bit) from the predictable, boring world I see. I can't expect him to change from that man.

I just feel a bit empowered right now. I think I can work it all out, that is if my boss o.k.'s my schedule change. I think she will. She is renovating the schedule with some new ideas and might be up to it. Face it, I am an asset to any shift ;) I think I can work it out with my dd, so she can go to preschool while I am working some of the time. My dh will have to be flexible.

I have been toying with the thought that I may not want another child. This one may be enough. Really, I feel I would be doing it for her to have a companion when we are all gone. I have a small family and my husband's family lives too far away for her to be close to anyone. My sister is not having any kids, and my brother is only 21 and may not have any for a while, if at all. I figure he'll end up moving far away. He needs indenpendence.I am getting the feeling my dh may secretly not want another child, either. I am going to look long and hard at this issue.

Wow, I really typed your ear off today! Har,Har! ( I never said my jokes were great!) *Jaden

Help!

2005-02-07T14:44:00.000-06:00

I was trying to figure out how to add my blogroll to the sidebar. I could never get that to happen, even if I added my copied code to the template. Any advice? Thanks*Jaden

"A Stay At Home Mom That Works"

2005-02-07T13:15:00.001-06:00

It's Monday again. The party on Saturday was o.k. My husband circulated with all the business guys and I made chit-chat with a few ladies and took care of my dd. On Sunday, I actually went to a movie with a friend. It was Aviator, about Howard Hughes. It was decent, I liked the period costumes the best. I was really proud to take three hours for myself. Guess what? The world didn't end while I was in the theater.
Sunday night, my dh and I went to this fancy superbowl party with all these business guys. (We got free tickets) . The food was good. I passed the time people watching. The young businessmen were standing around the poker table like vultures watching the rich old guys play. It was as if they were waiting for them to die so that they could take their places at the table and in the business world. ( Of course, my dh was right there.)

Watching all the ladies with their husbands, I wondered, "Do these men yell at their wives when they leave cookie crumbs in the bed, too?" They probably yell about a lot of other stuff, too. What did these women give up for their security? I especially wondered about the 40 something blonde in the red dress. What does she really love about this graying 60 something in the wheelchair? What does she give up of herself to be with him? I would love to be a fly on the wall at their house ( but not in their bedroom!).

I realize I would never give up the security of my job. I would feel to powerless. I can't feel confident that anyone would take care of me. However, I wish I didn't have to pick up so many extra hours. I am scheduled for half time and that is really enough. I think 8 hours extra a week could get us by if we cut out a few more "non-essencials" at home. I realize it is up to me to do it. However, I want to meet once a month with my dh so he can see where we are financially. Maybe this will help motivate him more to bring in some money to the household. However, I am not going to count on it. If I want to stop worrying about money, I have to do something. He's a pleasant guy, but not a knight who is going to save me. At least not financially, not right now.

On a brighter note I bought my special coffee and tea! Both were on sale! I take it as a sign I am doing what I should. I actually brewed a pot of coffee and drank a whole cup before it got cold. This can be a daily reminder to find time to take care of me.

My husband called me," a stay at home mom that works." The weird thing is, that is exactly how I see myself! (SAHM's don't freak out, I know all to well that you work, too) I try to work odd hours so my dd spends less time at the babysitter's house. I try to do it all at home, baking the cookies, playing games, going to play groups, and pack my dh's lunch and keep the house in order. All this while working enough to support this household and advancing up the career ladder at work, too. I love the stress of it all. I hate the stress of it all. I have to figure this out! *Jaden

Is It All In My Head?

2005-02-05T18:13:00.000-06:00

Tonight I am going to this birthday party for a friend of my dh. He's got this one group of friends that is ok, but not really my cup of tea, really. A lot of them are very materialistic and I think they are a bad influence. I just go to the obligatory party when I have to. This one will be at a restaurant, so at least the food will be good. I am taking my dd, so I will have a reason to leave early when she gets cranky! I am not a party person, really. More on the party tomorrow.

I read this on another blog today:
Personal limitations exist only in our idea of who we are. Give up all notions of who you are and your limitations will vanish.

That sounds nice. However, I will still have this 31 year old female body, scars inside and out, my obligations to my job and family, and my financial situation. Some things aren't that easiy to change. I do like the jist of it. Some of my limitations are in my head. I will chew on that for a while.
Some blogs are so exciting. People have great, exciting lives. I am stuck here trying to find the cheapest diaper that doesn't leak, getting the dishes done, keeping a spark going with by dh and managing my average job. People have hobbies. Maybe they don't have toddlers.

My resolution for February is to be kind to myself. This next week my goal is to find some coffee and tea that I really like and spend time every day drinking a whole cup without getting distracted. I am just like my mom; I can never finish a cup of coffee without finding something that needs done right now. I have to put my needs first, sometimes. Even if they are this small. It is a start. *Jaden

Gender question

2005-02-05T16:29:00.000-06:00

I have a real question. Why do most men I know not feel that housework is their responsibility? This is not meant to be male bashing, but I am just trying to figure it out. Of all my friends, coworkers, and relatives, I know not one man (husband) that will take any innitiative at home. They all do virtually nothing unless forced to by screams, tears, or ultimatums. Then they quickly settle back into their laziness, or apathy, or whatever it is.
Women can now have the freedom to have a career and still do all the housework and childcare. What freedom?! Men really figured out how to get the best of all worlds. They get all the things that the extra income can buy and still sit on their assess and be served dinner and get sex.
This is really what I see in every relationship that I am privy to. Women are killing themselves to do it all and their loving husbands just turn a blind eye and watch t.v. The women get tired of trying to get their mates to do their fair share and just do it all and are angry and disappointed inside.
I would love any insights to this issue. *Jaden

Under the Surface

2005-02-02T13:49:00.000-06:00

It's weird how I feel sorry for myself and then feel guilty because others have it worse. How can I feel bad because I have an average house, clothes, and job when others have no food, clothes, or shelter. I still do. Maybe it's the materialistic world we live in. So many advertisements everywhere. I still feel inadequate when I go to the kids' play area at the mall and there are other moms dressed nicer than I am. It makes me feel as if I am in junior high again. How can I get over it?
I also realize I won't be able to give my dd a lot of great stuff. She won't be deprived, but she won't have the "coolest" stuff, since I won't be able to afford it. I can barely afford a pass to the pool. I won't be able to afford a house with a pool. I feel inadequate some how. And sad.
The truth is I do blame my husband for losing his job 1 1/2 years ago. I feel like he was lazy and really didn't want that job ( which he didn't) and let himself get fired. He then searched for five months and couldn't even get an interview. Then he started his own business, sunk everything into it and we have been broke for almost a year. Actually, broke would be a big step up!
He promised I could stay home with dd, but didn't pull through. Now I am supporting us, doing all the house work, most of the childcare, paying all the bills, running all the errands, everything. I really feel that he has a 60 hour per week hobby. I am trying not to be resentful. It is so hard to be positive. I know things don't always work out the way I plan, but how do I accept a situation when it disappoints me and I can't really change it?
I had wanted to have another child by now, but I can't afford it. I missed a lot of work with my first pregnancy, and I can't afford to now. Plus we have poorer health insurance and I want to be able to stay home a lot with a new baby. I didn't want my kids to be so far apart.
I guess I am saying that I am angry with my husband for screwing up my plans. It sounds selfish, doesn't it? I just have to admit it to myself. I am angry and disappointed. I love him a lot, but there is always that anger and disappointment hiding just under the surface. I don't want it to be there, but it is.

Question

2005-01-31T16:47:00.000-06:00

If there is nothing else after this life, is everything important or is nothing important?

This question is driving me crazy lately. *Jaden

Tired part 2

2005-01-19T15:12:00.000-06:00

It seems i can accomplish nothing and be nothing. I can't be a decent wife or mother. My housekeeping is terrible. i can't make enough money to survive. I work too much and not enough.
Each day I am just waiting for it to be over. And eventually it will be. That is all i cling to and what gets me through each day. *Jaden

Tired

2005-01-18T15:26:00.000-06:00

Today I am so tired. I worked 2 12's this weekend and it seemed there was so much negativity all over. Plus I have had a cold. It seems all that I do is work at work, do house work at home and take care of my dd. How long will this go on? Maybe it is just life. It just doesn't seem that I ever get caught up with anything. This really stinks. All I really want to do is sleep for a while.*Jaden

New Year- MIL gone

2005-01-08T15:30:00.000-06:00

It's been a few days since I blogged. Today my MIL finally flew back home. I feel a little guilty for feeling happy and relieved. But I just feel like things are back to normal. I never really will understand her.
I have got to make some more money and get caught up on bills. I am picking up some hours.
I am going to take down the Christmas tree today.
My first resolution is to be kind to myself. The second is to be kind to my husband. Third, get finances under control. Fourth, lose weight, get healthy, etc.... Fifth, get house under control. Of course these need to be expanded.
We got a surprise snow yesterday of a couple of inches. My dd and I made snow angels and I pulled her in the sled.

I have got to find some more friends this year. I have never been that good at it. I also have to nurture the friendships I have. *Jaden

My Day Will Come

2004-12-29T12:16:00.000-06:00

With the Flylady system you set a timer and do something in 15 minute incruments. That way it is not so overwhelming. It really does work. I cleared off all the papers on my desk in 15 minutes.

I picked up a few extra shifts for January. That should help. Hopefully our census will go up, so there will be enough work.

My Husband has a "big meeting" at noon with some prospective lawyer clients. He's always having meetings. I hope it works out. I told him I was picking up some extra hours and he thought I wouldn't have to do it next month, because he would have all these clients. At least I am realistic. Maybe someday that will happen.

I would like to start My Daughter in a tumbling class, but I don't know if I can afford it. I guess she'll make it either way. She is always doing summersaults and trying to stand on her head, and also loves dancing.

I often have this awareness that I am just passing time until I die. It is unbelievable about the tsunami deaths and devastation. I saw one lady say her husband and 4 children just disappeared and her 8 month old daughter was ripped out of her arms by the water. This is terrible. It is so big and far away, though, it makes it hard to realize that it is real. I guess we are all lucky to be alive every day. I wonder how many people die on the earth each day. One day it will be me. *Jaden

organizing

2004-12-28T15:52:00.000-06:00

I folded so much laundry! Now I feel a bit more organized. My Daughter and I walked to the park and played and had a great time. Now I have got to get to work soon.

I got Leanne Ely's book, "Saving Dinner." It has menus and grocery lists. Maybe this will help keep things going in the kitchen. Plus, I am bored out of my mind with the limited menu we have now.I am also trying to get back into Flylady stuff. If you don't know about it, check out Flylady.com. It really has helped me keep the house up, but for some reason, I have trouble with my organizing with my Mom-in-Law here. She's leaving on January eighth! She's easier to love from far away!

My Daughter is now actually taking a nap! Yeah! Now off to work (MIL will babysit). *Jaden

laundry

2004-12-27T22:15:00.000-06:00

Laundry really gets out of control around here. I washed several loads and now they are all piled in the bedroom to be folded. My husband was going to help fold, but instead went back to work for a couple hours.

I have got to find a way to work more hours or else we are going to be sunk. ( Unless some miracle happens and My Husband brings in some money). I am trying to do it when he can watch our daughter. He is a good dad.

I know I complain a lot, but that is what this blog is for right now. Maybe if I get it out here I won't take it out on everyone I care about.

So there is an issue about what to do on new year's eve. I want to go to some local stuff produced by the city and he wants to go to another stupid, boring party at one of his friend's house. He thinks I always get my way and I think my way is always right, so I don't see a problem. (Although it was meant to be sarcastic, I do agree with the previous statement.)

I bought four sweaters at Goodwill today. Fourteen bucks for four sweaters! I don't have too much pride for a great bargin.

I have got to make some resolutions soon....lose weight, get out of debt, get happy...all that...

*Jaden

Christmas

2004-12-26T15:17:00.000-06:00

Well, Christmas went over fine. We and my husband's mom went over to my parents' house with my daughter and had food, presents and the whole bit. Too many presents as usual. My daughter especially loves the toy kitchen and the strawberry shortcake doll. She totally was into figuring out everything about Christmas this year; Santa, baby Jesus, the presents, the tree, everything.

The elephant in the room was that my sister didn't attend Thanksgiving or Christmas with us this year. She is in therapy and is having all kinds of issues. It was actually better without her. Could it be that she is part of the problem? More on this another time.

Today my husband and I went to church. They had lots of Christmas carols and it was nice.
We have this problem lately that we cannnot hear or understand each other that well. I get so tired of repeating everything I say! Sometimes I actually just say it twice or three times in a row so maybe he could actually hear it once! He seems to have the same problem with me. I just don't get it. We have known each other for ten years and I think these things happen.

Why do men need to sit on the toilet for so long? Especially when dinner is ready or we are late to go somewhere. Just get in and get out. Two minutes tops. I usually have a toddler banging on the door if I am any longer than that. I don't know why this is so irritating. Well, I do, but more about this another time.

I will be so glad when my mother-in-law leaves on January 8th! She is really driving me mad and into a depression. I really do try. I told my husband 4 weeks was enough. So she stays for three months. I need my privacy and my sanity! I would like to be this open person that could invite every lost soul into my home for extended periods of time, but I can't. Face it, I get upset if the silverware is not put in the drawer correctly, so I need my space.

This wast a bit disjointed, but theraputic and entertaining for me. I have to go . * Jaden

Blogging browsing question

2004-12-23T23:26:00.000-06:00

I am new to this blogging stuff. Is there any way to search for specific keyword or blog groups ? I would like to read blogs that interest me and I can't find a real way to search except to look through recent posts. *Jaden

Hello!

2004-12-23T19:45:00.000-06:00

Hi I finally started a blog! My two year old is singing and yelling next to me. Does anyone else compulsively keep every receipt they get, but just pile them up where you could never find anything if you needed it? This drives me crazy. I have a big receipt pile.
I will be so glad when my toddler is potty trained. She sometimes uses the potty, but usually it seems that she just can't be bothered!
What is this blog about? It is about trying to make something fabulous out of an average life; to find joy and meaning in changing diapers, working, trying to stay married and vacuuming; trying to stay positive when I see so much devastation in the patients and their families in the hospital where I work. I think that there may be no meaning of life except to live a life of meaning. How do I do that?
Maybe others in this world have similar feelings and maybe they will let me know how they manage in life. Hey, it's cheaper than therapy and maybe more effective. *Jaden